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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26594488">I'm Not That Girl</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Siri_Kenobi12/pseuds/Siri_Kenobi12'>Siri_Kenobi12</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: Secrets of the Jedi - Jude Watson, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attachment Is Forbidden, Breaking the Jedi Code (Star Wars), Broadway References, Broken Heart, Established Relationship, F/M, Gen, Jedi Code (Star Wars), Jedi Temple (Star Wars), Lost Love, Mission to Mandalore, Musicals, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Obi is a ladies man, Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi, Padawan Siri Tachi, Pining, Planet Mandalore (Star Wars), Pre-Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, Singing, Songfic, Wicked - Freeform, Young Love, musical theater, star wars the musical, the ladies love Obi-Wan, wicked musical</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 02:54:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,727</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26594488</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Siri_Kenobi12/pseuds/Siri_Kenobi12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Obi-Wan is home after a year on Mandalore, but no one is sure if he’s going to stay. Siri struggles with her own feelings and tries to find ways to be happy for her friend.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Obi-Wan Kenobi/Satine Kryze, Obi-Wan Kenobi/Siri Tachi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I'm Not That Girl</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Author’s Note: I wrote this with very mixed feelings - my real life Obi-Wan was married this past weekend to his very own Satine...and as I toasted to them I realized the importance of letting someone go and to try to love without an attachment. My happiness for him far exceeds my longing and I tried to have that come across in this. </p><p>The song is from the Broadway musical “Wicked”, but this was the version that was in my head as I wrote it - I have established in a previous story that Siri plays the Ukulele so...here’s more of her musical talent. https://youtu.be/ym525jaqAYo</p><p>I know I’m in the middle of two other stories, but I hope you can understand that I’ve been a bit distracted this week and had trouble writing Obi-Wan...I’ll go back to them asap, but for now enjoy the angst. </p><p>More notes at the end!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Her eyelids fluttered open for the umpteenth time, both sleep and meditation eluded her. Siri was never very good at sleeping if she couldn’t get her overactive mind to settle down. Beyond meditation she had tried oils, crystals, incense and exercise that would wear her out to the point of collapsing on her bed. But none of that was working tonight and she sighed in vexation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her traitorous mind then replayed the scene again, as if she didn’t know it by heart already. She had gone up to the roof to celebrate Obi-Wan’s long awaited return from his dangerous year long excursion to Mandalore. Luminara, Quinlan and Kit  were already there and she hoped a bottle of 12 year old Corellian Whiskey would make up for her lack of punctuality. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She couldn’t bring herself to join them however when she overheard the conversation and felt the emotions that were being projected into the Force. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>/</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>“I don’t believe in the Force so much, right now…”, he said, voice very small. “I think… I think the Force is disappointed with me.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>- I don’t think so, Obi”, Nara threw in, quietly, fingers carding through Quin’s hair who was still fast asleep. “I don’t think the Force is disappointed.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>- I think you are”, Kit said quietly. “I think you are angry at yourself, Obi.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>- Because you came back?”, Nara asked, softly, blue eyes finding his – and there was no judgment, no disappointment, just kindness and concern.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Obi-Wan shook his head, quietly.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Because you almost didn’t…”, Kit finally voiced. “Because it still hurts.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And Obi-Wan nodded./</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>She wiped the moisture that collected once again in the edges of her stupid leaking eyes and let out a nettled snort as she folded her arms across her chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of COURSE he’d fall for the ruler of Mandalore…” she grumbled to herself. “That man is incapable of self preservation, what a complete imbecile.” </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Knowing him he’ll somehow broker lasting  peace for the first time in Mandalorian history.’ The voice inside her head who annoyingly sounded a lot like Obi-Wan stated. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course he will,” she answered. “And he’ll kill himself in the process because he’s a Jedi and last time I checked Mandalore was not terribly fond of Jedi.” </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘You have such little faith in his abilities?’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>She sighed. “No, truth be told he’d be an amazing ruler...it’s just, how can he turn his back again on his training, on the Jedi for some pretty face and a war torn planet?” </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘But he didn’t leave,’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not yet,” She closed her eyes tightly, fighting back the treacherous tears. “But I saw the look in his eyes...if she asks him to he’ll leave.” </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘He’s given her the power in the relationship, that’s actually pretty progressive of him.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Siri scoffed. “More like it’s his way of still being a hero without having to make the tough decisions.” </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Wow, rude,’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve lived through it, remember?” She stared up at the ceiling as memories flashed before her eyes. “Only he did make the decision in our case...and yet somehow I still ended up looking like the bad guy.” </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Well, you did make  him promise NEVER to remind you again...that was a bit over the top, even for you.’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>The Obi-Wan sounding voice innocently said.. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure the Duchess didn’t make him promise something so harsh.” She said, her voice low. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Of course not, but then again he’s willing to leave for her isn’t he?’</span>
  </em>
  <span> The voice in her head taunted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I need some air,” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Siri rose out of bed and grabbed her satchel. She then made her way silently out of the quarters that she shared with her Master, double checking that Adi was still asleep before closing the door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her bare feet padded along the cold marble floor as she traversed the length of the grand halls of the Jedi temple. The glow lamps were dimmed, casting long and eerie shadows along the walls. Few other Jedi were awake at this hour, except the nocturnal species who had full run of the Temple while the others slept. Not for the first time Siri wondered how difficult it would be to adjust her sleep schedule so she wouldn’t have to deal with as many people. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Despite the lack of life forms she wanted to go somewhere private, somewhere she could scream if she needed to and no one would hear her. So, she headed for her secret spot just below the hanger door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She sat down on the ledge, allowing her feet to dangle over the side and she took in the view. She could see the silhouette of the Senate veranda as well as several other iconic buildings that made up the Capital planet’s skyline. Traffic was lighter than usual, but like the halls of the temple there were still sparse beings going about their day...or rather their night. The city never truly slept and in that moment felt that she could relate to Coruscant. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She breathed in and despite the fumes from the hanger she felt the cool air clear out her lungs. The wind made a mess of her top knot and made her Padawan braid dance, but despite the chill she felt more at peace than she had in her own bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But her backstabbing thoughts didn’t allow the peace to last very long. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Quinlan described her as a “scary blonde”...sounds like he has a type.’</span>
  </em>
  <span> The voice was back and louder than before. </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘Or maybe he’s upgrading, can’t really compete with a Mando Queen can you?’</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Duchess, she’s a Duchess.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Sure, argue semantics. That’s super attractive.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She took a deep breath. “If he’s fallen in love with her then she must be special. Obi-Wan doesn’t give his heart to just anyone.” </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Yet he gave it to you once.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her eyes closed. “Everyone is allowed to make a mistake.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She felt her thoughts beginning to run away with her and treading dangerously to a dark place. She reached into her satchel and pulled out a small string instrument. She had learned long ago that sometimes music helped her cast her feelings into the Force. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She gently began strumming a soft and sad tune, she took a deep breath and began to sing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hands touch, eyes meet</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Sudden silence, sudden heat</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hearts leap in a giddy whirl</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He could be that boy</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But I'm not that girl…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her mind raced back to sitting beneath a cloak under a blanket of stars, her head on his shoulder. The beating of his heart matching hers as their lips became precariously close. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Don't dream too far</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Don't lose sight of who you are</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Don't remember that rush of joy</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He could be that boy</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I'm not that girl…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Another image surfaced, the weight of his body shifting against hers as they nuzzled beneath a blanket on a cold durasteel floor. The fear of dying pushing them to forget their commitment to the Jedi for just one passionate night. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The feeling of a first kiss, of other firsts...phantom limbs pulled her tighter against a toned body. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Every so often we long to steal</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>To the land of what-might-have-been</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But that doesn't soften the ache we feel</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When reality sets back in…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Declarations of love, the giddy nervousness of an uncertain future. The feeling of devotion pouring into the Force and the forming of a pair bond. The promise to face it all together.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then the moment it implodes, the heartbreak and pain as they decide to go their separate ways. The chasm between them for five long years. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Blithe smile, lithe limb</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She who's winsome, she wins him</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Gold hair with a gentle curl</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>That's the girl he chose</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And heaven knows</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I'm not that girl…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The look in his eyes when he exits the transport after Mandalore. How his face lights up when he talks about her. The glimpses of stolen kisses and fantasizing about the future that he thought were hidden behind shields. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The knowledge that if she were to ask he would leave...</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Don't wish don't start</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Wishing only wounds the heart</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I wasn't born for the rose and pearl</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>There's a girl I know</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He loves her so</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I'm not that girl…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As she finished the song she felt the tears streaming down her cheeks and catching in the wind to be carried away as if they didn’t exist. Her thoughts then drifted back to the look on his face when he told a story about the Duchess...Satine, she reminded herself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was happy, and for the first time in years he felt lighter in the Force. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>How could she hold that against him? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kriff, you really are happy aren’t you?” She said out loud, still softly strumming the ukulele. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘I am,’ the voice returned. ‘Or, I could be.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You deserve to be, and I really want you to be.” She answered softly, feeling the truth of the words resting in her chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Thank you Siri,’</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She stopped playing the instrument and took a deep and cleansing breath. She knew she’d always struggle with her feelings for Obi-Wan, but at the end of the day what mattered more to her was that he lived a life that suited how special he was. Even if that life took him away from her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>‘I might be willing to leave for her, but I wanted to change the rules for you.’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>The voice suddenly said. </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘Never forget that.’ </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She felt her throat constrict and she turned to look over her shoulder as if expecting to see him standing behind her. He wasn’t, but she realized that the voice hadn’t been the same one that was inside her head but rather she felt it through an old bond that had all but withered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She nodded and sent feelings of friendship and support back back down towards him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Siri picked up the instrument and began to strum the melody again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“There's a girl I know</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He loves her so</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I'm not that girl…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And that’s okay...we’ll be okay. “ She said out loud and put the instrument back into her satchel, rising to her feet to go back to bed, knowing that no matter what choice he made nothing could take away the bond they shared. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And that was more than enough because at both ends of the bond there would forever be love. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Author’s note: Thanks for humoring me and letting me write out my feelings. Drop a comment on your way out if you can!! </p><p>And the flashback scene on the roof was borrowed from my dear fanfic muse Meysun from her brilliant story “Storms of Pijal” (I just added Siri in the background and aged everyone up a bit) - I urge everyone to check it out!!  https://archiveofourown.org/works/25345012/chapters/61452877#workskin</p></blockquote></div></div>
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